Loving-Kindness Meditation: A Beginner’s Guide to a Softer Heart

Most meditation instructions ask you to watch something: the breath, sounds, sensations in the body. Loving-kindness meditation asks something different. It asks you to wish someone well.

It sounds almost too simple. You sit quietly and repeat a few kind phrases, first for yourself, then for others. And yet people who practise it regularly often say it changes how they meet the world: a little less defensive, a little warmer, a little kinder to themselves.

What loving-kindness means

The practice comes from the Buddhist tradition, where it is called metta in the Pali language. Metta is often translated as loving-kindness or friendliness: a warm, sincere wish for the wellbeing of others, without wanting anything back.

One of the best-known Buddhist texts on it, the Karaniya Metta Sutta, compares this attitude to the love of a mother who would protect her only child with her own life, and asks us to extend that kind of boundless goodwill to all living beings.

Similar ideas run through many traditions. The Bhagavad Gita describes the person dear to the divine as one who bears ill will to no being and is friendly and compassionate to all. You don’t need to follow any religion to practise loving-kindness. It’s a training of the heart that anyone can try.

What research suggests

Loving-kindness meditation has been studied more and more over the past two decades.

• In a 2008 study, Cendri Hutcherson, Emma Seppala and James Gross found that just a few minutes of loving-kindness practice increased feelings of social connection and positive feelings towards strangers, compared with a similar exercise that didn’t involve wishing others well.
• In another 2008 study, Barbara Fredrickson and colleagues taught working adults loving-kindness meditation over about seven weeks. Over time, participants reported more positive emotions in daily life, and these were linked with gains such as a stronger sense of purpose and more social support.

Like most meditation research, these studies have limits, and loving-kindness isn’t a cure for anything. But the findings suggest that deliberately practising goodwill can gently shift how we feel about ourselves and other people.

How to practise: a ten-minute guide

Find a comfortable seat and close your eyes, or lower your gaze. Take a few slow breaths. Then work through the circles below, spending a minute or two on each. Silently repeat phrases like these:

• May you be safe.
• May you be well.
• May you be happy.
• May you live with ease.

Use whichever words feel natural to you, in English, Hindi or any language you think in.

1. Yourself

Begin with yourself: “May I be safe. May I be well…” Many people find this the hardest part. If it feels awkward, that’s normal. Just keep repeating the words kindly, as you might to a child.

2. Someone who has helped you

Bring to mind someone who has been good to you, such as a parent, teacher or friend. Picture them and offer them the same wishes.

3. A friend

Next, think of a friend or family member you care about. Wish them well in the same way.

4. Someone neutral

Now choose someone you barely know: the security guard at your building, a shopkeeper, a person you pass on your walk. Offer them the same phrases. It’s a quiet reminder that they, too, want to be happy.

5. Someone difficult

If you feel ready, think of someone you find difficult, but not someone who has seriously hurt you. You don’t have to approve of them. You are simply wishing that they, too, may be free from suffering. If this feels like too much, go back to an easier person.

6. Everyone

Finally, let the wish spread outwards: to your street, your city, your country and all living beings everywhere. “May all beings be safe. May all beings be well.”

Common difficulties

• “I don’t feel anything.” That’s fine. The practice works through intention, not emotion. Warm feelings may come later, or quietly.
• “It brings up sadness.” Sometimes kindness touches old hurts. Be gentle, take a break and return to easier people.
• “It feels fake.” At first it may. Think of it like learning to play an instrument: the first notes don’t sound like music, but they still count.

Frequently asked questions

Do I have to be Buddhist to practise loving-kindness?

No. The practice comes from Buddhism, but the core idea, sincerely wishing others well, is shared by many traditions and can be practised by anyone.

How long should I practise?

Five to ten minutes a day is a good start. Even a single round of phrases for one person on a busy day is worthwhile.

Can loving-kindness help with anger?

Many people find it softens resentment over time, because it builds the habit of seeing others as people who also want to be happy. With people who have caused you serious harm, go slowly, and consider speaking to a counsellor if the feelings are overwhelming.

A small step for today

Next time you’re waiting in a queue or stuck in traffic, choose one stranger nearby and silently think: “May you be well. May your day be easy.” It takes five seconds, and it changes how the wait feels.

Sources and further reading

• Karaniya Metta Sutta (Sutta Nipata 1.8). Translated in Bhikkhu Bodhi (2017), The Suttanipata. Wisdom Publications.
• Hutcherson, C. A., Seppala, E. M., & Gross, J. J. (2008). Loving-kindness meditation increases social connectedness. Emotion, 8(5), 720–724.
• Fredrickson, B. L., Cohn, M. A., Coffey, K. A., Pek, J., & Finkel, S. M. (2008). Open hearts build lives: Positive emotions, induced through loving-kindness meditation, build consequential personal resources. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95(5), 1045–1062.
• Salzberg, S. (1995). Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness. Shambhala.