Why Making Friends Gets Harder as an Adult (and What Actually Helps)

Think back to your school or college days. Friendship didn’t need a plan. You saw the same people every day, you sat together without arranging it, and somewhere between the lectures, the canteen and the long bus rides, strangers became friends.

Then adult life arrives. People move cities for work. Some marry, some have children, some take night shifts. The group chat that was once noisy goes quiet. Many people in their thirties and forties quietly admit something they find a little embarrassing: they don’t know how to make new friends any more.

If that sounds familiar, there’s nothing wrong with you. Adult friendship is harder for clear reasons, and once you see them, it becomes much easier to do something about it.

Why friendship came easily before

The sociologist Rebecca G. Adams has described three conditions that help friendships form:

• Proximity: being physically near the same people.
• Repeated, unplanned contact: bumping into each other again and again without having to arrange it.
• A setting where people can relax: somewhere you can let your guard down and be yourself.

School and college provide all three almost automatically. Adult life rarely does. Offices are busy, commutes are long, and most meetings with friends now need a date in the calendar. The conditions disappeared, and the friendships that relied on them faded with them.

Friendship takes time, quite literally

A study by the communication researcher Jeffrey Hall, published in 2019, tried to estimate how many hours it takes for an acquaintance to become a friend. His findings suggested roughly 50 hours together to become a casual friend, around 90 hours to become a friend, and more than 200 hours to become a close friend.

The exact numbers matter less than the message: closeness is built slowly, through shared time. That’s why a single pleasant evening rarely turns someone into a friend, and why a weekly habit often does.

We underestimate how much others like us

Many of us hold back because we assume the other person isn’t that interested. Research suggests that assumption is usually wrong.

In 2018, Erica Boothby and her colleagues described a “liking gap”. After conversations with new people, participants consistently underestimated how much their conversation partner had liked them and enjoyed their company.

A related set of studies led by Peggy Liu, published in 2023, found that people also underestimate how much others appreciate being contacted out of the blue. A short message to someone you haven’t spoken to in a while tends to mean more to them than you expect.

Put simply, the other person is often waiting for someone to go first, just like you.

Small habits that keep friendship alive

Rebuild the “repeated contact”

Since adult life no longer provides unplanned meetings, create regular ones. A Sunday morning walk with a neighbour, a monthly dinner with old classmates or a weekly badminton game gives you the repetition that friendship needs.

Say yes to the second meeting

First meetings are often a little awkward. Friendship usually starts to grow on the second, third and fourth meeting, so give it time before deciding whether someone is “your kind of person”.

Keep a short list

The anthropologist Robin Dunbar suggests that most people have room for only a handful of very close relationships, often around five, with wider circles beyond them. You don’t need dozens of friends. Decide who your few are, and look after those friendships on purpose.

Make contact cheap and easy

Not every catch-up needs to be a big plan. A voice note, a photo that reminded you of them or a two-minute call on the way home all count. Small, frequent contact usually beats rare, grand gestures.

Join something with a shared activity

A class, a volunteer group, a reading circle or a temple, gurdwara, church or mosque community gives you a reason to keep showing up. Doing something side by side is often easier than sitting face to face making conversation.

When friendships change

Some friendships fade, and that isn’t always a failure. People grow in different directions. It’s fine to let a friendship become lighter while staying warm. And it’s never too late to send a message to someone you’ve drifted away from. Many people are glad to hear from an old friend, even after years.

Frequently asked questions

Is it normal to have very few friends as an adult?

Yes. Many adults find their circle shrinks as life gets busier. What matters most is not the number of friends but whether you have at least a few people you can be honest with and rely on.

How do I make friends in a new city?

Choose one or two regular activities and stick with them for a few months, so you keep seeing the same faces. Colleagues, neighbours and people from a shared hobby are often the easiest starting points.

What if I feel lonely even though I have friends?

Loneliness is about the quality of connection, not just the number of people. Try deepening one or two friendships by spending more regular time together. If loneliness lasts for a long time or affects your mood and sleep, talking to a counsellor can help. In India, the free Tele-MANAS helpline is available on 14416.

A small step for today

Think of one person you’ve lost touch with and would genuinely like to hear from. Send them a short message today, with no pressure and nothing to explain. Just: “I was thinking of you. How are you?”

Sources and further reading

• Hall, J. A. (2019). How many hours does it take to make a friend? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(4), 1278–1296.
• Boothby, E. J., Cooney, G., Sandstrom, G. M., & Clark, M. S. (2018). The liking gap in conversations: Do people like us more than we think? Psychological Science, 29(11), 1742–1756.
• Liu, P. J., Rim, S., Min, L., & Min, K. E. (2023). The surprise of reaching out: Appreciated more than we think. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 124(4), 754–771.
• Dunbar, R. (2021). Friends: Understanding the Power of Our Most Important Relationships. Little, Brown.
• Williams, A. (2012, 13 July). Friends of a certain age: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? The New York Times.